Sensible Soup

ABOUT BALDNESS

2011-08-18T13:56:00.001-04:00

Some of my friends once worked for the ‘Haagen-Daz’ distributors here in Miami Florida. Maybe they still do. It was a very big operation with freezers the size of a warehouse and temperatures below zero. There was office staff and deliver route drivers but only one warehouse supervisor. His job was to count everything that went into and out of the huge freezer.

Since the freezer was very cold this fellow wore a snow suit to stay warm. Of course he rolled up the sleeves a bit to accommodate a clipboard and pen but the rest of him was insulated and comfortable.

Over time I noticed that the hair on his forearms began to grow thicker and more dense. Our group of friends would sometimes meet over the weekend for burgers and a pool party. Whenever he came outside it was easy to notice that although most of his body had a regular amount of hair, it was his forearms that seemed a bit over grown. The forearms had a kind of Popeye-like quality. The arms seemed much larger and a bit out of proportion because of the overgrown hair.

And it started me thinking. The rest of his body was covered with a snowsuit and the preponderance of hair seemed normal apart from the forearms. I concluded that over time his body was able to detect a great difference in temperature on the forearms and stimulated those hair follicles specifically to produce added growth. It seemed the only plausible explanation.

And so I began to wonder about the baseball cap wearing guys who frequent the neighborhood. I feel that they are doing the opposite to their hair.

By covering their heads they are telling the body that the head is warm enough and does not require added hair growth. And so the hair thins and dissipates. It seems like a certain recipe for baldness.

When I mentioned this theory to some of my new friends they were unconvinced. I guess most people feel that the body is not capable of responding to external stimulus so rapidly.

They suggested that the best way to keep a healthy head of hair was to soak your head in the freezer.

I wonder if that would work?

ABOUT ALLITERATION

2011-03-16T16:29:00.000-04:00

Who doesn’t love a good rhyme? Save the Waves. See the USA in your Chevrolet. Takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’, have a bee in your bonnet?
In like fashion Americans have embraced alliteration as a memory aid ever since we ‘sailed the seven seas’. ‘I before E except after C’. Oh, there are plenty more examples and in every walk of life. Our dictionary states the following:

Our dictionary describes alliteration as something like; the commencement of two or more stressed syllables of a word group either with the same sound or sound group (vocalic alliteration).

Cartoon figures. Almost all of the lovable characters to populate our animated tales feature alliterative names; Fred Flintstone, Bugs Bunny, Mickey and Mighty and Minnie Mouse, Pink Panther, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig and more. You can add to this list at your leisure.

So it’s not surprising that product vendors and manufacturers of all kinds have availed themselves of this popular technique. Alliterative product names include: Dirt Devil, Swisher Sweets, Stanley Steamer, Bacon Bits, French Fries, Coca Cola, Rocky Road… think about it.

Celebrities like Marilyn Monroe, Alan Alda, Hulk Hogan and Greta Garbo changed their names to become alliterative. Rachel Ray, Courtney Cox, Steven Spielberg, Sylvester Stallone, Charlie Chaplin, Wendy Williams, Barry Bonds, Kim Kardasian, Vince Vaughn and many others still use their given names. Marion Morrison actually became less alliterative when he changed his name to John Wayne.

Politics has its’ own alliterative presence. Herbert Hoover, Ronald Reagan, Oval Office, Woodrow Wilson, et al.

There’s lots of comic book characters too: Peter Parker (Spider Man), Clark Kent (- Superman -same sound different letters), Lois Lane, Lex Luther etc.

I suppose you wonder why this is significant?

It’s how we are conditioned. It rhymes. It’s poetic. It lilts. It’s a twirl in the sun that creates a connection.

ABOUT POLITICIANS

2010-11-08T13:36:00.000-05:00

Truth is irrelevant. What matters is how you portray the opposition.

Let’s face it. Our legislators have very few original thoughts. At one time they were great academicians, now they have speech writers. Their greatest challenge has become how to issue a pithy spin that can enhance their party line while casting a pall on the competition.

Its high time Americans come to realize that the Democratic and Republican National Committees are in truth huge, privately held multi-million dollar companies masquerading as not-for-profit corporations. Candidates can only get funding if they adhere to the party line. Only marginal experience is required. Sure an individual prospect must possess ‘likability’ to be selected as a candidate. Let’s call this the ‘Palin’ effect. Being the Governor of Alaska is about equal to being the Mayor of Washington, DC (they have roughly the same population).

I promise you that the vast majority of our legislators have little interest in helping average Americans. They don’t have to be helpful. That might have been their initial goal. However, after a few years in government an otherwise earnest representative is so busy concealing their own personal array of corruptions that they have little time to look after us (we), the puny people.

Additionally, the only way to remain in office is to please the party elders. No party affiliation, no campaign finance. It’s the law of supply and demand - meet the demands of anyone who provides you with the largest supply of money. It’s all about funding. Further the party platform with sound bytes and photo ops. Results are desired but not required. Campaign funding rules the day. The recent mid-term election was perhaps the most expensive in political history. As you are fully aware it was one negative spin after another.

The 21st century has (so far) provided us with vivid, intimate awareness not only about our celebrities, but about our politicians as well. Tabloid magazines. Twitter. Even the Pope and the Queen have Facebook pages. We already know that some of the political electorate is guilty of infidelity, bribery, collusion, conspiracy, blackmail and malfeasance.

It is true that we as the public select our celebrities for adulation and elect our politicians in like fashion. We expect that our experience with previous behavior will deliver superior results. That is sadly more certain among low end workers and diminishes accordingly among our executives.

To paraphrase Mark Twain; 'Two things you never want to see being made: laws and sausages.'

In part and in addition to international relations, we elect the congress to look after our regional and local needs. In a perfect world it is the job of our representatives to secure funding for our schools and improve our infrastructure; to keep our taxes low while promoting industry, creating jobs and soliciting investments that will augment our prosperity. And yet so much prospective funding legislation is ‘pork’. And we call it ‘pork’ because much of it lacks wide ranging, even pertinent distinctiveness; construction projects, or grants that favor campaign contributors. You can find many examples on your own.

The truth is that our legislators are nearly incapable of doing the work for which they were chosen. Ham-fisted. State and local as well as Federal houses of government are peopled with master manipulators. Longevity on the job often indicates a level of expertise in networking through the complicated protocols of ‘the deal’. However, it is more likely that an experienced legislator is skilled at managing hirsute affiliations rather than duties to the electorate. A smooth politician.

To paraphrase Honore de Balzac: “Law is a silvery web that lets the big flies pass and catches the small ones”.

Think about it. America desired independence from Britain because there was taxation without representation. The colonies paid import, export and sin taxes to the crown without even so much as a voice in the royal ear to convey issues in a true way. Out with the old.

We then proceeded to elect our royalty and have been doing so ever since. In with the new. Our representatives are provided with high salaries (they can vote themselves a pay raise), they receive perks like free dining privileges and excellent health care insurance. They are permitted to postpone the obligations of their current office so they might go onto the campaign trail, effectively pursuing a different job while being fully paid for the one they seek to abandon. Try that at work! Perhaps they are named Adams, or Bush or Kennedy or McCain or Clinton.

I suppose there is a case for brand loyalty. I am, after all, inclined to replace a failed appliance that has served well with a model of the same brand. Moreover, I often hope that previous employers will remember to call upon me again when the chance arises.

Now what about lobbyists? Executive legislators can influence the policies of generations to come and as such are continually tempted (if not harangued) with and by special interest groups who seek to interpret the public good according to their own private agenda (s). A flood of data coupled with persuasive incentives hoping to affect a vote or at the very least elicit support. It’s safe to say that our electorate encounters the faces of familiar lobbyists far more frequently than they might encounter ‘Joe or Sally housecoat’.

A revolving door exists between the Department of Defense and Defense contractors; it is the same between pharmaceutical manufacturers and the FDA. The same exists between the FDIC and brokerage firms like Goldman Sachs and Merrill Lynch. In view of recent events in the Gulf of Mexico I think it’s safe to include the Mineral Management Service and its cozy relationship with the petroleum industry as well.

So who is representing you? There is deserving concern that Americas greatest invention, the middle class, is dissolving. A few weeks past President Obama addressed a fund raising dinner at $30K for each plate. That is more than many people earn annually. Even as government contemplates curtailing unemployment benefits, they also deliberate on extending the so-called Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest 1% of Americans. So how is representation going for you?

ABOUT SIT-COMS

2010-08-25T08:44:00.001-04:00

For the less initiated this particular blog addresses: ‘situation-comedies’. You know. Those semi-endearing, character driven, often ridiculous televised portrayals of life we once enjoyed before there were true ‘reality shows’. As far back as ‘Ozzie and Harriett’ and the ‘Honeymooners’ up to and including ‘Two and a Half Men’ and the ‘Big Bang Theory’, they are prime time staples.

They’re still 30 minutes long (21 if you deduct commercials). There are still 7 main characters. They still use laugh tracks, a practice I find personally insulting. I know when to laugh and I do not require prompting.
I sometimes reference these shows as ‘comfort media’. We’ve seen these programs many times. We know the names and histories of the characters and cast. Many have concluded production and exist now only in ‘syndication’.

Syndication as you know is that state wherein a show that was terminated as far back as the fifties can still find a market (albeit sometimes in international translations) on today’s broadcast schedule. How else could a twenty something of today embrace ‘I Love Lucy’ or ‘Bewitched’ or the black and white televised images of ‘Amos and Andy’!

One can hardly turn on the tube without encountering reruns (sorry, ‘encore presentations’) of ‘Friends’ or ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’, or ‘Frasier’ or ‘Cheers’ or ‘Reba’ and many more. In fact, the entire schedule of the ‘TV Land’ network is comprised of the very many half hour shows that lost popularity among previous audiences decades ago… hence they were cancelled. But just as the ‘Mummy’ might say: “Death is only the beginning”. Where else can cheesy effects, clumsily written stereotypes, stiff acting and fabricated pretense find an everlasting time slot.

ABOUT SUMMER

2010-06-18T07:42:00.000-04:00

What will you do with your summer? It's a big ol' world out there. Swimming, diving, camping, hiking, and don't forget sports. Perhaps it's time to work on that tennis game or try your hand at windsurfing. How about a few weeks at the lake? Snorkeling is good. Maybe you'll finally make that California trip. Branson, Las Vegas...you might even get around to that cruise vacation! Even in the old neighborhood there's plenty of community parks around!

When I was a kid (not that long ago) I would go to the playground on Prospect Avenue near my boyhood home... that would be in the Finger Lakes region of upstate New York. We had a softball team and a couple of patient college aged supervisors who taught macramé and boondoggle when they weren't breaking up some minor altercation! Anyone care for a pot holder?

On the weekends I'd have a traveling lemonade stand in the bed of a little red wagon pulled by the younger brother. Hardly anyone would venture into my marginal neighborhood so I had to get the product out to them (I'm actually still doing that). In later years I had the summer job thing happening... I picked strawberries for ten cents a quart. (I really hated that job.) When I was old enough I had a small lawn mowing business and was actually able to buy my first guitar with the proceeds. Of course Dad had to haul me and the mower around which was not high on his list.

Each year the family made it's annual pilgrimage to Roseland Amusement Park in nearby Canandaigua, NY. It was a kind of budgety Six Flags but we always had a ball. I could hardly wait till I was old enough to go on the adult rides. Dad had an old black and white Mercury with a 'merc-o-matic' transmission... the gear shift was mounted on the dashboard and the starter was on the floor. Curiously there were a number of cigarette lighter burns on the front seat... oops!

Occasionally we'd all head out to the 'cottage'. This was a small lake house built by one uncle on the 'high banks' of Seneca lake. A long rickety staircase led down a shear embankment to the shore. The water was nearly always freezing and the bottom was covered with sharp rocky shale... quite the perfect way to slice open your chubby pink toes! It was always exciting when we were permitted to drive my uncles' home made go-cart up and down the dirt access road. For some reason I always associate these days with the spice 'dill weed'. That aroma always rekindles the 'cottage day' experience.

There was one street light near our house. The pavement was red brick, and the neighborhood was integrated. As often as possible we'd all try to stay out late to play 'kick the can' under that streetlight. Generally by 9 pm the folks would tire of that 'can sound' and call us all inside. Around mid-evening a street vendor would pass by selling ice cream treats.

One night each year June bugs would hatch out (kind of an over large ladybug). We children, being cruel things, would do our best to swat at them with baseball bats. Once in a while we'd all go to nearby Genesee Street park and play 'Red rover, red rover, I dare you come over'! Chestnuts would fall from the trees at the end of summer and be collected just to see who could gather the most.
I was a small town boy. In fact my graduation class had around 64 students. We would not have been so large except that our school district merged with another in the last semester thereby doubling the size of the senior class! Those summer nights meant so much to me and are the very reason I relocated to South Florida. Now every night is summer! The heat, the beach, the strawberries... if only there was someone in this neighborhood who played 'kick the can'.

Make a memory this summer. You won't regret it!

ABOUT STAR TREK

2010-05-13T14:11:00.001-04:00

My appetite for all things Star Trek has bemused my friends. All the series and the movies… even the ones that might have been done better.

Don’t be misled; I have no interest in dressing up like Captain Picard or Mr. Spock. Perhaps I’m a poor ‘trekker’ in that regard. I’ve never attended a Star Trek convention, nor do I possess trek memorabilia of any kind. When I was small I did assemble a model star ship ‘Enterprise’ with flashing lights but that was all. I have managed to collect a range of televised Star Trek episodes on VHS. Sadly VHS has gone the way of cassettes, 8 tracks and vinyl albums.

To appreciate the Star Trek phenomena as do I you really have to grapple with those times.
I had finally gotten to the age where my parents would allow me stay at home (alone) on Friday nights (instead of dragging me to the grocery store). This was fine with me in part because I actually had control of the television for a few hours. Of course, we had only 3 channels but I did stumble onto Star Trek one night at 10 pm.

These were volatile years for America. It was shortly after the Kennedy assassination and our nation continues to be rabidly obsessed with that great mystery. We were making the conversion from ‘black and white’ to ‘color’ televisions, and those weren’t the only colors of the day. America was undergoing the civil rights movement. Inner cities throughout the nation were over the top with violent demonstrations. These demonstrations weren’t always about civil rights. We were still immersed in the Viet Nam war and tempers flared. Additionally, the ‘draft’ was still in place and the ‘space race’ was in full swing.

As you already know, a succession of Gemini and Apollo launches would eventually culminate in the first men to walk on the moon. You might not know that the final moonwalk was in 1972 (many years past).
Somewhere along here comes the fictional star ship ‘Enterprise’ representing an earth peopled by our future selves; an earth that has ostensibly eliminated war and poverty and discrimination. A powerful vessel, replete with food ‘replicators’ (no one goes hungry) and with hand held weapons that can be set to ‘stun’ (instead of kill). Doors retreat into the sidewall and computers speak aloud. Medical instruments scan our bodies and injections are administered pneumatically. This multi-national crew carries what appear to be ‘flip phones’. And however odd it may seem, some of these scripted elements are today’s reality.
A multi-national crew it is; an Asian navigator (Sulu), a Russian helmsman (Chekov). A female Watusi (Uhura) handles communications with a Scottish engineer and an Irish doctor and even an extraterrestrial with pointy ears! And of course this able talent was intuitively commanded by the all American hero from Iowa (James T. Kirk). And they weren’t alone; there exists an entire ‘Starfleet’ of ships. We had survived great trauma as a people and somehow the best of our society had prevailed. We found hope.

And yet more hope. As the star ship ‘Enterprise’ speeds throughout the galaxy new worlds are revealed. Most of these worlds were allegorical to our own. A cold war, a convenient war, a corruption; a power struggle, a despot… it was all out there in the stars. We’ve traveled hundreds of light years at warp speed only to meet our previous selves. As above, so below.

For in the end, however far away we may have traveled, the adventure was always in our hearts and minds. ‘Starfleet’ was larger than any of us. A community of planets. We were encouraged to be open and honest and kind; to save, to heal, to preserve, to respect. In accordance with the mantra of Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry: “Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combination”.

The series was and remains very much a discourse in topics that are not readily addressed in conventional media. Greed, prejudice, oppression, discrimination; all these issues were confronted by our fictitious crews and more. To paraphrase Roddenberry: “We talked about stuff you couldn’t say in the news and it went right over the censors head, but all the 12 years olds got it.”

About TV Advertising

2010-03-16T13:44:00.002-04:00

If ever you have watched a few hours of day time television then you have been educated though you may not know. Resting between the cooking shows and the game shows and the morning gab and the afternoon soaps is the complete panoply of our personal woes.

All the problems of our society exist side by side, on the tube, every day.

Who advertises on day time TV? Well, who watches it? Law firms soliciting class action participants pose alongside pharmaceutical companies drumming up product awareness (remember Phen Phen?). Repair your credit or buy a car with no money down and no credit check. Can’t get around very well, you must need a scooter. Slip and fall litigation, DUI defense, the list is long. Declare bankruptcy or study for a new career. ‘Institutional’ ads insinuate to the viewer that you wouldn’t be home watching TV in the middle of the day if you salvaged your career through vocational training! Save your house from foreclosure or get in on the ground floor as the housing market floods with bank owned properties. An entirely new set of potentially litigious circumstances include allergy and asthma medication, feminine hygiene products, depression aids and more. Check out these contraindications, may cause: headache, nausea, dizziness, drowsiness, blurred vision, ringing in the ears, anal leakage, joint pain, redness or swelling of mouth, face or throat, shortness of breath, anxiety and more. And while I’m at it, since I’m paying my doctor to know what’s best for me, why should I ask him about any prescription medication?

Of course the real reason these contraindications are broadcast is to avoid litigation, after all you’ve been apprised of the down side in their commercial. So if you mention the product to your doctor then they know you’ve seen the commercial.

It’s very different at night. Night time television is all about health and/or fitness. The reign of infomercials. Juicers, work out programs and related gear. Make your hair curly or get it straightened, increase your capacity for sexual pleasure (that’s a class action suit waiting to happen). Lonely? Call our chat line and hook up with someone in your area. Maybe you want to work at home for yourself and sell knic knacks that you never see and don’t touch for small profits and a free web presence. How does that work anyway? I guess they sell those things to people without a vocation who watch TV all day! Internet shortcuts anyone? Again with the busty spokes model (preferably with a British accent).

I’ve lost track of the many fitness machines (including awkward to clean juicers and toaster ovens). I wonder where they get audiences for these shows? Who chooses to sit in the audience and be impressed by a sharp knife or a vacuum that can really suck? The crowd glances one to the other in appreciative enquiry. What? Another new grilling machine to congest the unused appliance shelf? I do notice that the taste of cooked food is impressed upon the viewer as aggressively as the cooking hardware itself? There’s always that one taster who rolls their eyes in astonishment.

There have even been a few scandals. The Dell spokes person was busted for pot and lost the gig. The Mac spokes person goes on to get a movie career. The sham wow guy is busted for spousal abuse. The oxy clean pitchman, Billy Mays, knocks his head and mysteriously passes on.

And so it goes in the 21st century.

About Time Pieces

2010-01-27T07:52:00.002-05:00

A few days ago my watch band broke. It’s an old self-winding Timex watch that I purchased about 30 years ago. It was a good value at around $30. Certainly the 'Twist-o-flex’ band has been changed many times, but the time peace survives. It still works great. I don’t wear it often, mostly when I’m working and then only to keep track of my set times. You have to wind it if not worn since it is the swinging motion of your wrist that keeps it going. In the still night you can hear it make a soft, hypnotic ‘bonging’.

Mom had a cuckoo clock on the dining room wall with two pine cone weights on chains that had to be hoisted each day. It was very attractive and sounded out the hours all through the night. A little door would open and the tiny bird would pop out, bob up and down while calling to the sound of a bell, then make a speedy retreat.

This is certainly a far cry from the ancient sun dial, a crude if effective method of keeping time. Imagine if you had to run outside periodically to know the hour, and then never at night.

I notice that when you carry a watch on your arm, you do just that… watch it. Sometimes people look to their clock when you pass in the hall. It’s a kind of safety behavior. If they are busy looking at the time they are not available to greet or engage you in conversation.

An aphorism of old states plainly: “A watched pot never boils.” This portends of course that your perception of time, in this instance while boiling water, expands because you’re waiting for the event. I think the same is true for the wearing of watches.

How slowly the day must pass when you constantly remind yourself of the hour. Why is everyone so concerned with monitoring time anyway? They say time is money. So I guess the hours of the day actually tick away at our financial future. Nature has already divided portions of the day into light and dark. Imitating Nature, the US Government has actually legislated changes in this natural rhythm of time, moving the clocks forward and back twice yearly… Daylight Savings Time.

Whatever happened to the pocket watch on a chain? It was an elegant affectation with a snap-to cover instead of a glass bezel. A vested suit would actually feature a ‘watch pocket’. Remember the ‘Dick Tracy’ watch? These days a time peace is likely to have many functions. Some are two inches wide and they call it a chronograph. These components feature everything from television remotes to alarms to calculators to daily planners; they are waterproof depth gauges and look like they could indeed receive HBO.

For many, a time piece is a true fashion statement. A ladies watch has somehow become so tiny it is near unreadable. Is this to say that a woman places less emphasis on time than a man? They do take longer to get ready than men and seem to enjoy having us wait!

Sometimes I think that numbers on the face of a clock are insufficient for the 21st century. What we really need is a clock with verbs on it. We’ll call it the verb watch! Wake, shower, eat, drive, drive, drive, work, break, work, lunch, drive … maybe put a little sex in there on the weekend.

It seems we’ve reached the end of these remarks, my how time flies.

Just out of curiosity, did you take time to stop and smell the roses today?

About Waiting

2009-07-25T11:54:00.003-04:00

Waiting. You’d think that in today’s super fast business environment that there would be a lot less waiting. Today we enjoy cell phones and email and faxes and twitters and expressways and high occupancy vehicle lanes and mass transit and instant credit approval and cable news and satellite TV and none of these conveniences can eliminate or help us accept lines at the check out counter. Boo hiss anyone who’s writing a check!

The truth is that society takes great liberties with our time. Rush hour traffic… forget about it! It’s certainly the bane of life in a big city. In Miami it can take 70 minutes to drive eight miles during the morning rush hour. Lines are so long that fledgling industries now avail themselves of the time we are stuck in traffic. Solicitors wander driver to driver, vehicle to vehicle trying to sell whatever you’ll buy. OR… perhaps it’s only someone collecting money.

Ever try to call your local phone company? “For instructions in English press one (this is America, why do we need to press 1 for English?). To route your call correctly press two on your touch tone phone. Choose from the following five options. Choose from the following three options. Choose from the following six options. Visit us on line or call our automated service. Please wait while we connect you with a representative. We estimate your hold time to be 6 minutes.” And that’s presuming you have called the correct department.

They know we’re stuck on the phone and so they ply us with ads. Looped audio of how terrific is their new service with an occasional ‘Your call is very important to us. Stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order it was received’. It’s worse if you call your bank or your credit card people. They want to have the whole 16 digit account number right up front... and more than once!

So one day while standing in line at the post office I did some math. If you wait only 30 minutes a week (a conservative estimate considering the supermarket, the bank, the gas station, the traffic lights and of course ‘hold please’) by months end you will have been in line for two hours. By the end of the year your cumulative total has reached 24 hours. One entire day spent waiting. After 20 years you’ll likely have enough time invested to take a three week vacation!

And we love our vacations. We can hardly wait to get into line at the airport or the cruise terminal or the cinema or the zoo. How satisfying it is waiting to be seated at a table in our favorite restaurant. We wait for luggage, our food and our drinks, and a taxi.

The bigger our civilization gets the more it seems to crush the smallest facets of the day. The arduous commute, the frustrated caller, the tormented traveler… and don’t forget jury duty! It seems the more time saving devices we invent, the more time we spend waiting around for them. And here’s a good example: my room mate is standing in front of the microwave yelling “come on, come on!”

About Height

2009-05-23T07:46:00.004-04:00

Humans have had a love affair with height throughout history. The highest mountain, the tallest building, a tall ship or a high-flying plane... even trips to the moon! Perhaps it is only about achieving 'a view from the top'. But I think there's more! 'Reaching for the stars' is a well-known mantra to generations of dreamers. We love the top…

The top of the hill, the top of the stairs, the penthouse views; the tallest tree can be seen from furthest away. As a culture we revere height, especially tall people. Abe Lincoln was tall. Anthony Robbins… tall. A tall person has power unavailable to the smaller of us. Chances of getting your own way are directly related to your height. Political candidates, basketball players, cruise directors and even State Troopers are selected partly because they have a 'look' that includes height.

Classic literature portrays women 'gazing up into the eyes' of their lover. Tall women can be imposing and intimidating. Men rather prefer to be the tallest person in a relationship. A really tall woman seems to defuse the male gender role. Knowing this, I think women choose to dress in heels!

Short people have their own syndrome… 'Short man's syndrome'. There is no such parallel for being tall. Short people have a reputation for being 'scrappy'. Tall people have a more languorous presence.

Tall people can reach to the highest shelf. They have less trouble washing the middle of the roof and observing the tops of our heads! They also have trouble getting their entire body under the covers at one time and avoid sporty cars with low ceilings. Being tall is likely safer, after all Giraffes are lookouts for the animal kingdom. Besides, it's tough to be short. You're the first one to smell a fart and the last one to know it's raining!

About Cell Phones

2009-05-03T12:15:00.004-04:00

It’s likely we don’t think much about cell phones these days. That is until one rings and it sounds like our own. Everyone has a cell phone. A few days ago I saw an 11 year old girl ranting on her cell while marching out of the supermarket.

Like many of us I managed to get along for years without a cell phone. I already had a home phone and an answering machine and a fax number. Now if I leave home without my cell I feel naked! Adrift. Not connected. Inaccessible.

Cell phones have completely changed parenting. They’ve changed businesses everywhere and access in general. Where would Mulder and Scully be without their cells! Many plot elements of the Hitchcock masterpieces were dependant upon the ringing phone that goes unanswered or the desperate need to find a phone or the ubiquitous plot element “The line’s been cut!” I guess now they'd say: "There's no signal."

Cell phones have tossed into our daily lives a number of difficult issues. For one thing people weren’t that great at driving before this invention. Now 40% of everyone you see on the road is talking on their cell. As soon as they start the car… the phone goes to their ear. Many times they are so busy talking they might sit through a green light leaving the rest of us to wait. See that woman trying to navigate the parking lot who tries to steer her over large SUV with one hand?

Standing in line at the cash register and a woman is busy saying nothing into her cell but is so engrossed she‘s wasting the time of everyone behind her. Not to mention that we just don’t want to hear about your personal, private business! It’s excessive… TMI (too much information). Just because the phone is portable doesn’t mean you should manage your affairs while everyone else is listening. What could possibly be so important that you can’t call back when other business has finished?

A guy on a date goes to dinner. Her cell phone rings and she spends much of their time together chatting on the phone with someone else while her date pretends to be occupied. Can’t she say she’s busy and will call back? Riding in a car… same story.

Two people seated at a table chat on the phone with two other people and pay little attention to one another. No wonder Americans feel more isolated.

Next time you use your cell and sit alone in your home or walk quietly along the street, think of all those conversations buzzing along over your head or perhaps passing through your body. All the drivers stranded at turn signals, all the dates gone awry or all the conversations you weren’t trying to over hear… that’s weird.

About Celebrity

2009-04-20T07:57:00.000-04:00

What would your world be like if everyone knew you by a single name? Cher, Elton, Sting, Madonna, Elvis, Beyonce, Prince (or the artist formerly known as... now a symbol) … pretty cool huh? What if you had your own phrase, after all Billy Joel is the ‘Piano Man’, Julia Roberts is the ‘Pretty Woman’. Madonna is also the ‘Material Girl’ but now we hear that she is changing her name to ‘Esther’. These are the celebrities of our time. They are the darlings of media. Just like Cary Grant or Jean Harlow; Monroe, Garland, Gable… they certainly have talent. The later having great dentifrice as well being rather uncommon in those days. It made them far more photogenic than other artists of the day. Dentistry is cheaper now.

Celebrity has been defined for us in so many ways. One movie has stated that celebrity has become an 'apotheosis' (that being the elevation of a person to the rank of deity). We reject flaws in our heroes (look at Michael Jackson’s support). People once became famous because they were special. However, today many are considered to be special because they are famous. Andy Warhol was right; everyone does get his or her 15 minutes of fame and in some cases very much more. Kato Kaylin, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie... none appears to possess a discernible talent.

It is a truly curious development of modern media. Americans in particular are enamored with the wealthy and the powerful. Magazines, entire shows and even entire cable networks are devoted to tracking the exploits of celebrity. Media exposure is so powerful that the public becomes aware in a virtual moment when someone has gained notoriety (Susan Boyle springs to mind); or infamy (as the case may be). Jeff Peterson has actually received numerous marriage proposals while the murder investigation of his wife Lacie continues.

Fame is much more about ones physical appearance than ever before. An attractive person is automatically credited with enviable traits and skills simply because they have ‘eye appeal’. Thanks to MTV and television in general we have become a visual culture! We presume that an appealing, attractive or glamorous person must also be compassionate, sensitive and philanthropic as well. We automatically attribute to them wisdom and resourcefulness and intelligence! This may even help to explain the current crisis in pop music, that being one of ‘form over content’.

It is an astonishing assumption given the actualities. Less attractive people generally have more complete personalities. They have to shine from within. Attractive people are generally accepted for their looks and do not have to work so hard on their personalities. Reality check: the most attractive people in your high school classes were likely the hardest to get along with!

Wealth and fame do seem to coincide, but there are many wealthy people who are not famous. However, only a few famous people are not wealthy. One thing is certain; there are no famous poor people!

About Smells

2009-04-09T12:57:00.000-04:00

Dogs are reputed to have something like 200 times more olfactory receptors in their capacious snouts than do we humans. This makes them excellent if unpredictable allies in the search for contraband. The turkey buzzard can locate rotten meat from miles away using their sensitive olfactory setup. Scent marking is an important method of communicating territory as well as declaring gender (and receptivity) in all four legged creatures. Moose and Rhinoceros even create hollows or ‘middens’ on the ground as a kind of 'scent station'. Can an animal really smell fear?

Miami is one of the few places in the world where a car can pass you on the street at 40 miles per hour (with the windows up) and cologne of the operator will linger! Ships at Sea are some of the few places in the world where your waiter can pass you at dinner only to send a wave of body odor wafting across your meal. It’s really off-putting but most people are way too polite to mention it.

Some cultures have little access to water and so showering daily is a new concept. Still it is an odd experience to smell the janitor’s body odor three floors away!

It's likely humans no longer respond to pheromones. Those little indicators of identity popular with the animal kingdom have been disguised beneath layers of scented drier sheets, detergent, spray starch, deodorant, scented soaps, shampoo, toothpaste, mouthwash, body lotion, hair spray, styling gel and of course perfume to name a few.

Some people prefer natural smells. We line closets with cedar because it’s wholesome and neutral. Napoleon would dispatch a rider to Josephine a few days before returning home asking that she not bathe… apparently he liked her scent. Not surprisingly it was the French who would excel in combining fragrant oils to make perfumes and colognes both pleasing and costly!

Smells can transport us back to a moment in time. Our mothers cooking, the perfume of an ex-lover, a copy machine, a Christmas tree, a pencil, a magazine, garlic bread, leather or that new car smell… you know what I mean. Heaven forbid someone should sniff beer on your breath!

Humans handle scents in very different ways. Sometimes I think men began to enjoy cigars after dinner because smoke would mask a myriad of other post dinner odors! Women are universally awed at the many ways air can exit the male body! My Dad was pretty open-minded about these things. Sometimes he’d let out a huge fart and challenge his kids to ‘catch that, paint it green and put in a bottle’!

About Team Sports

2009-03-30T09:41:00.000-04:00

Maybe it is a direct result of our collective rights to vote? I suppose everyone wants to root for the winning team.

Maybe it is a passionate response to an issue of personal consequence? Maybe we define ourselves in some way by declaring our affiliations? Maybe we merely leap onto the winning bandwagon. Maybe we are desperate to display a sense of identity.

Whatever the reason, perhaps you have noticed recently that America is increasingly polarized. No, not the wearing of sunglasses that reduce glare… I’m talking about the way individuals have allied themselves AND how casual terms in the media have posited groups into rashly generalized formats. Hot or cold? Plus or minus? Left or right? Are you with us or against us? Apparently the gray areas have disappeared entirely or become irrelevant. It’s 100% or nothing!

I believe it was Winston Churchill who delivered the famous quote: “If you are young and not a liberal you have no heart. If you are old and not a conservative you have no brain.” But these days Americans are much more likely to be lumped into one group or another regardless of the truth.

Liberal or conservative has become another team sport like Lakers or Heat, Red Sox or Yankees, Democrat or Republican? Catholic or Protestant... Notre Dame, Chicago Cubs, Pro-Choice… get the picture? It certainly doesn’t help to have arrogant, self possessed ‘ratings seekers’ ply their craft on the air waves every day. So far as I can tell the world of Rush Limbaugh is comprised of Liberals, Conservatives and Appeasers. How very convenient!

It doesn’t end there. Recent television shows divide viewers into camps by giving them the chance to vote on the best singer. Rueben Stoddard or Clay Aikens... which were you? The best dancer, the best employee, the best bride or groom or actor or Hilton! Who will be voted off the island next? We feel exonerated if we have chosen correctly. There have been other contests since.

So what are you? Coke or Pepsi? Import or Domestic? Cotton or Polyester? East coast, west coast… it is a continual game of ‘one-ups-man-ship’. Can you bake a cherry pie… well I can!